If You Only Knew…

“Do you know how much I love you? Do you have even the slightest idea?” I keep hearing myself say. “If you only knew how much I love you, you couldn’t possibly be scared. I know it’s yucky Baby, but this is going to make you much stronger and happier than you are right now.” As I say this over and over again to my ailing kitty, a thought occurs to me. What if this is what the Divine is saying to me??

At the risk of sounding like a crazy cat lady, I love my Sweetie Baby more than anything. And there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her – unless it put her in harm’s way. But is that what she sees from her perspective?

As a kitten she always wanted to go outside. She couldn’t possibly understand that I wouldn’t let her out because we lived on such a busy street. Later on we moved into a house on a low traffic street, and she came and went as she pleased. I don’t think she questioned my sudden change in attitude much. Now that we live in an area full of raccoons and coyotes, so she only gets to go outside when one of us is with her.

The need for a chaperone during her outdoor excursions aside, her big challenge right now is her illness – and my pulling out all the stops to try to save her. She needs daily doses of fluids and medication in the hopes of turning her condition around. And since some of her medication needs to be taken with food, she gets to experience the joy of me gently prying open her jaws to rub baby food on the roof of her mouth.

Now I recognize that cats are much more relaxed about life, and that I am projecting all of my human emotions onto her. This is probably much more difficult for me than it is for her. Cats are very in-the-moment take-things-as-they-come creatures. But I can use this experience as a metaphor for my own life.

How many times have I been disappointed in not getting something I wanted – only later to learn that not getting it was actually in my best interest? How many times have I struggled through situations – already  difficult – only to have more drama piled on top – and then come out stronger, wiser, better and happier for it?

I really don’t know what the Divine is – if it is anything at all – or how it plays out in my life – if it plays out at all. But the thought that the Divine loves me as much as I love my kitty comforts me. It feels better to me than any other alternative. When I’m confused and frustrated and sad, I can think that maybe I live on a busy street and that’s why I’m not allowed outside. And maybe that nasty pill that’s so hard to swallow is really saving my life.